If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
