it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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