Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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