I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
