I wish they made helmets for livers.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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