Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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