do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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