tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
