Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
