You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
