Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i think i just naturally attract stoners
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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