I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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