glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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