she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
