I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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