it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
