After last night, I could never be a politician.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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