I skipped work to stalk him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
