So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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