You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
