have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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