I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
