you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
