My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
