You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
