I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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