He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
