I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
