I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
