So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
