Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
