If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
