i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize