1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
