Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
