No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
