margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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