I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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