Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
