She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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