Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
