i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
