how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
