I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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