She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
