The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
