An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
