she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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