My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
