Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
