I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
