I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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