two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
