Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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