I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize