I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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