I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
