Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize