My cat gives me a boner
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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