So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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