My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
