I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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