people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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