I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
