Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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