1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
