evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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