I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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