Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
