You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
