Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm like, not good at living.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
