I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
