I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is my gift to your gina
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
